Parenting Tips | How to teach Good Habits & Good manners to kids | Basic Etiquette | Parenting Guidelines
Should We Hit Kids?
If not by hitting, then,
- How to teach discipline to them?
- What does the research say?
- What are Parenting Guidelines?
- What are Parenting Education?
- What are my tried and tested techniques?
This thought came when,
One German family came for dinner at my home.
We asked before dinner,
What will you have?
Germans love Indian food
Their 7 years old son, did not get the taste of Indian Food.
He took a small bit and left the rest
Then he was about to leave the dining table
His father said,
“This is what you are getting tonight.”
As per the culture here, German parents,
Parenting In Germany
They have to do every type of work.
Cleaning Home by themselves
Washing car by themselves
Individuals do everything by themselves
they have to manage as to “How to save their time?”
When his father said politely
“This is what you are getting tonight.”
Though he didn’t eat the curry,
but somehow he managed
A little bit of yogurt
had dry chapati
but He obeyed his dad!
I was amazed
without any kind of forcing
without raising the voice
He obeyed everything!
How is it possible?
After dinner, I asked my friend
“Did you ever shout at your kids?”
They said, No! Never tried it.
I started to think,
How to teach discipline to kids
that they can listen to us
without spanking and without shouting at them.
I ordered books and research papers
to understand the new science about it, it helps me in understanding the Parenting Guidelines.
I am going to unfold 5 to 6 research papers
to fully convince you
that “Spanking” – What does it do to a kid?
What happens when we slap a child?
1. Research Paper said
Kids who got beaten up in their childhood
turn into more aggressive kids when they grow up.
2.The second study was a Meta-Analysis
a study was done in 2016 by Dr. Gershoff
and she observed 1,60,000 kids over 50 years.
She says Kids who get spanked more
have mental health issues when they grow up.
3.Apart from this,
the University of Ottawa published a study in 2017,
there they observed 5,500 kids
and according to that study,
those kids when got beaten up at the age of 2-3,
showed lower skills in vocabulary, maths, and literature in comparison to other kids in the school.
The last study I want to show is
from the department of psychology of Harvard University
They took MRI scans of the brain of kids
And displayed images before them like
images in which one person is sad
another one is neutral.
They noticed those kids who got beaten up
showed their brains showed negative effects on the neutral expression also.
Like when a person is in a neutral mood,
as they grow old,
and encounter with another person,
They are going to think more negatively.
That’s what they saw in MRI scans.
And what they saw is,
Not only mental health but their physical health also get affected by it.
Parenting Love And Logic
I can relate to this
because your brain health, to a certain extent, controls your physical health.
So, I know, now your “mom guilt” is ON.
Damn! I did hit.
Right now, your child is just 7,8, 9 years old.
You can still learn.
I am here for that.
I know that mom guilt is right now “ON”
It’s not your mistake. It’s totally fine.
Because I am thinking
Why not make India like any other foreign country
where kids do not get spanking.
You must have heard of this joke,
When Indian parents say
“You will get a spanking at Indian Airport”, in their Punjabi accent.
But, now I know, Yes, We spank kids in India
and here, Foreigners Do not spank their kids
They don’t even shout.
Now we come to this,
without raising the voice
How to control your kid?
Get inside kids head
If your child is showing any kind of outer expression
painting on the wall
or tearing books
Maybe that kid needs attention
maybe he learned the same behavior from his friends.
So, for the time being
whenever the child does something
first of all, we need to give the attention.
In the second place
we need to understand Why do we spank kids?
We hit the child
when we notice that
kid’s behavior is going out of our control.
We take a shortcut
to give them physical pain.
The child drowns in that pain so much
that the kid himself doesn’t know
the reason he got beaten up for?
Alright, let us say, A kid tore the book.
We slapped that kid.
he will not tear the book
because it got associated with physical pain.
But, Why does a child is getting involved in that particular activity?
What is the mental state of that child at that particular time?
Guys! For how long does parenting become a shortcut?
That means, We, as a parent,
needed some sort of shortcut
Hence, we applied that to our kids.
So, How did it help?
Maybe, He might not do that particular activity or mischief again
10,000 mischievous things a kid can do!
that means, Are we going to spank 10,000 times?
What helped me was the time-out technique
Time-out is a very cute thing.
Once, Sophie said,
Mom don’t do this, else I will slap you.
That looked so cute and I laughed too
But I realized that
Sophie has learned this from me only
She is speaking it in my language
“Sophie stop! I will slap you”
So, I have to replace it with better words.
Then we started using the word called
and Sophie finally forgets that.
Neural connections start to build-up
for new habits and old habits keep forgetting
Now, What happens in the Time-out technique?
Let’s say, She jumps on the sofa!
First of all,
I, as a parent, would never allow her to jump on the sofa.
If I have allowed that to her,
then I would be allowing it for the rest of her life.
If I have never allowed her,
then it will stay that forever.
Let’s say, I do not allow her to jump on the sofa.
Let’s say, She is still jumping on
So, to warn her,
I can use a better technique
I can use better words, like
Sophie, you are going to get a “Time-out”
Time-out means the kid will go to his room
and for how much time he should stay alone?
according to his age.
If he is 2 years old, then for 2 minutes
If he is 3 years old, then for 3 minutes
In the case of Sophie,
for 5 minutes, she has to Time-out
But It’s a good warning
the next was “Consistency”
Which is the biggest, biggest Parenting learning for myself
Let’s say, I want Sophie to learn
If my phone rings, she has to accept
I will talk for a few minutes, then I will get back to her.
Now, What happens is
the moment my phone rings for the first time
I know Wonder Women must be smiling
because I was talking to them only
And Sophie started showing tantrums
They said, “It’s ok, Please see your child!”
I said, “No! The kid has to learn”
I know, as parents, as mothers,
we are scared to be judged by others as to making a kid cry.
She has to learn if I am talking on the phone,
I, as a mother, will try
not to talk for more than 5 minutes on the phone
But she has to learn, even if she is showing tantrums.
I will not say,
It’s ok! I am going back to Sophie
So, She took control
where it was not necessary
So, You have to stay consistent.
I know my Dad keeps scolding me,
my Mom also scolds and says “why are you bothering her?”
“Mom, stay on the call”
I get stuck in a situation
where at one side, Sophie is screaming, and on the other, my mom is shouting.
You know, How Grandparents are!
But, It’s ok!
Sophie has to learn.
Now, she has learned.
For 5 to 6 minutes, she has to play on her own.
How did I manage the tantrums of Sophie, publicly?
I started saying “NO” diplomatically.
It means if Sophie says
“I need this toy” and starts showing tantrums
And I do not want to buy her
I would not say “NO”
Because NO provokes a behavior in a kid
So, What I say is Ok! Let’s look for other toys first
or Let Mumma buys first, today is Mumma’s turn
The kid often forgets it.
Parenting is not a shortcut.
If you slap your kid,
or if you feel like slapping your kid
It means, maybe your whole day went like that
now, you are short of willpower
In the evenings, Ask for help!
Help from your husband,
Help from your family members
Please take care of the kid.
But Do Not spank the kid.
Over “parenting”, I have read multiple books
So, Guys! If you want more articles
Please let me know in the comment section
What are you tackling with? in the case of kids.
I hope you like this article.